You Took Everything

When I was in my twenties, before endo really got its grips on me, I had sex.  A lot.  All the time.  I was a slut, something I'm unrepentant about now in my mid-thirties.  If anything, I miss those times.

See, I haven't had sex in almost eight years.

Not because I don't want it, or because I suddenly grew another head.  But because it hurts.  Penetration hurts, so forget that.  Clitoral stimulation is fine until I approach orgasm, at which point it feels like I'm being ripped in two.  Why should orgasms hurt me so badly I burst into tears every single time?  And why haven't any of my doctors treated this like a problem?  I bring it up, but I get told it'll sort itself out.  Well, it hasn't.  I used to masturbate a few times a week.  Now, I'm lucky if I do it once a month, and I have to take painkillers and cry myself to sleep afterward.

I feel like I'm being punished for having a libido, for wanting to do something that's a simple biological function, something that should be a joy.  Something I used to love.

Thank you for taking that away from me too, endo.